I was bullied as a kid.
That might be hard for you to imagine if you’ve met me in person.
As a former representative footy player who stands around 191cm and over 110kg, I don’t come across as your typical ‘victim.’
But I used to dread going to school on a daily basis. Each day would be spent in a state of hyper-vigilance looking for the older kids who, for some reason, had taken it upon themselves to make my life hell.
It started in primary school when I was around 9, I think from memory. It’s hard to recall the exact details as I’ve worked pretty hard to forget them.
I got a two-year reprieve when they went off to high school, but sure enough when I got there a couple of years later they were waiting for me.
It seemed they were keen to pick up where they left off. And the irony of it was it appeared I was their target because I was big.
For three years I longed for the 3:30 bell, the weekend, the school holidays, a sick day – anything that would keep me home.
Of course, as is all too common, I told no one. I didn’t tell my teachers and I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell my parents – they had enough to worry about I told myself. My mates didn’t stick their oar in. They were just happy that they weren’t being targeted. I don’t blame them.
One day when I was in Year 9, the secret was out.
I got kicked unconscious in the schoolyard by a guy three years older than me.
It’s a bit hard to keep that to yourself.
Fast-forward to 2014 and the publication of research by King College, London, who tracked 7,771 children born in 1958 from the age of seven until 50.
They found that those who were bullied in childhood were more likely to have poorer physical and mental health and cognitive functioning at age 50.
They were more likely to be less educated, with men who were bullied more likely to be unemployed and earn less.
Social relationships were also affected with bullied individuals less likely to be in a relationship and to have good support from friends and family at 50.
In the worst case scenarios, those who were bullied frequently were more likely to be depressed and have suicidal thoughts.
When I read the research, I immediately felt fortunate that whilst I know my experiences have affected me, it was not to the extent reported in the paper.
But then it hit me.
Imagine being bullied today.
I know what it feels like to have the sanctity of home, school holidays or sick days.
But with technology being what it is today, kids have the privilege of being able to carry the bullies around with them in their pocket.
Everywhere they go.
Kids today have no sanctuary.
I’ve heard all manner of responses to bullying in school. From teachers and parents who ‘get it’ and genuinely care, to those who believe it’s a ’rite of passage’ that ‘everyone goes through.’ Right through to those who believe that in some way, the victims are probably ‘asking for it.’
As a parent of a 5 year-old who started school this year, I need to know that schools are on top of this. I need to know that, not only do they have the latest evidence based program in their school, but I need to know it’s not just gathering dust on a shelf somewhere. And I need to know that the school community as a whole is committed to standing against bullying, wherever it takes place.
And it’s not just me who thinks that.
Prof Louise Arseneault, senior study author, from the Institute of Psychiatry at King’s College London, says: “We need to move away from any perception that bullying is just an inevitable part of growing up. Teachers, parents and policy-makers should be aware that what happens can have long-term repercussions for children.
“Programmes to stop bullying are extremely important, but we also need to focus our efforts on early intervention to prevent potential problems persisting into adolescence and adulthood.”
This video would be a great conversation starter in your school. It gives me chills every time I watch it.
Author: Dan Haesler is a teacher, consultant and speaker at the Mental Health & Wellbeing of Young People seminars. His website is: http://danhaesler.com/ and he tweets at @danhaesler
It’s a horrible feeling – you can have friends but be so lonely. You can feel that there is nothing or no-one who can/will really protect you anyway, so you just have to look out for yourself. Also, you know that dobbing is a big NO because it could get you in worse trouble. You just want to get on with life and these people won’t let you. They take the joy out of life.
Bullying teaches you to fear being publicly noticed and also to avoid conflict, so it affects your confidence and willingness to participate and take the appropriate risks that give you better opportunities in life. You do need help with assertiveness skills, but what is suitable? – after all, you don’t really want to fight or slang back, it just isn’t you. How should a kid know what to do?
Some personalities are more prone, but all personality types have strengths and weaknesses, not just those most likely to be bullied. For example, many of the worst bullies are not acting out of poor self esteem as some people tout – they actually think very highly of themselves! Rather, their great weakness is a low capacity to empathize or to understand that it is valid for people to think and feel differently to themselves.
Some kids are also more sensitive to words or touch than others, making them more likely targets. The book ‘The 5 Love Languages’ shows that this is not the response of a wimp, a spoiled brat, or misfit, but is actually to do with the different ways people feel appreciated – it is hard wired in.
I feel that one of the best solutions for the child who is being bullied is to have a mentor with whom they feel sheltered in or near their key arena of trouble. This person needs to be able to help them learn the skills that don’t come naturally to them. Critical also is a community that will crack down and not just say bullying is unacceptable but act firmly on it – education and targeted advertising can go a long way towards this end. The bullies need to know that they are outnumbered by their society and that they have a problem that they need to learn to manage. They need a good mentor also, to help them become well-adjusted members of the community.
Liz
Hmmm would be nice to think that teachers today are supportive and i’m sure some of them may be. However, when i complained to one teacher of bullying towards my son, she simply grinned at me. To cut a long story short, my son and the two boys were questioned by this teacher. … It took my son 2 weeks to tell me how. She made my son kneel on the floor in front of her, next to the 2 boys who were bullying him – and that’s how she questioned them. When i moved him to another school, the young teacher there was a apparently a protege of the teacher from the other school (just our luck). He was bullied at this new school, but this time the teacher tried to help, but not for long. When her attempts were failing, she then turned her blame onto my son and looked the other way or ignored that any bullying was taking place. In the end, she also denied that we ever talked about incidents and that they ever happened. I have very little faith in primary school teachers.
Thanks Dan- appreciate this personal and open piece. Bullying is never right.
Yes bullying is never right. We have an anti-bullying policy at the high school where I work. But I can tell you that the kids will say whatever they feel like at times. I have pulled many many kids up for this behaviour and written incident reports so it is dealt with by the higherarchy.
I don’t except bullying and I never will.
I was bullied at primary school in year 7 and after many weeks of trying to ignore it I went and told my teacher. He was very supportive and dragged these girls in and spoke to them. I don’t know what he said but it worked. Now that was over 40 years ago and I still remember it. I am so grateful to that teacher. i will NEVER forget him and what he did for me.
So if I am in a class and I hear comments which are attacking, laughing at and condeming or just generally putting someone down, I will come in to support the child who is being bullied.
Thanks for your responses. I really appreciate it.
It seems to be an issue that transcends generations, educational sectors and every sector in the community.
I’m writing a follow up for next week’s newsletter as we speak.
Thanks again, not only for reading, but for caring.
Cheers,
Dan H
hooray